Playing for Keeps

Waiting

I know that nobody reads this, and if they do then I don't know about it. And that's fine by me. Well, I know that Josh will read this sometime. Maybe.

I leave tomorrow to go to Austin to train for rowing. I'm not really looking forward to it like I thought I would be. Or I guess how I think I should be. I wanted more time at home...but I know I'd regret not going too, since I did get selected and the girls on the team are pretty cool. I'm in such an awkward spot. I'm not exactly happy anywhere I go unless I'm with Josh. I guess that's a good thing in most ways, but it's really shitty since I'm not with him too often. I love school, and I love being at home, but it's not like being with him. It's so lonely. Maybe that's why I'm so clingy when we're together. I guess because I know it never lasts long.

I keep thinking about how I have everything to look forward to, and I do. It's just that all this waiting is catching up to me and sometimes it puts me in a shitty mood. I miss him so much and it's just so hard sometimes. I hate hearing about my friends transferring schools to be with their boyfriends, and about their stupid fights. I hate hearing about how they can spend every day together. I hate knowing that Valentine's Day will suck this year because I'll be alone, and not knowing how many other times we won't be together. I guess it's not hate, it's jealousy. It's so hard sometimes. And I know we're strong because we've made it this far, but everyone has weak moments. And sometimes you just have to cry because you're at home and you're lonely and soon you will go for 5 months without having any time to yourself. Just sometimes you're allowed to cry yourself to sleep because it makes you feel better later and you can't keep everything inside anymore.

And it's not that I'm unhappy, because I'm so happy. It's just a low moment and I need to vent.

So, Josh, if you're reading this, don't be sad, because you know I don't feel like this all the time. I just miss you so much and I just want to be with you. I can't get you off my mind, not that I'm trying to, but I can't wait to see you again...I love you so much.

posted by Playing For Keeps @ 10:10 PM