Playing for Keeps

2006-08-07T22:49:00.000-05:00

i'm an idiot. i can't lose him. i can't live without him.

you can't live without your heart.

2006-05-28T18:11:00.000-05:00

Why are we never just content? Why can't we just be happy with what we've got? Always working, wishing, hoping, dreaming for more. I got home a week ago and I already want out. I want to skip the next three years and just get on with my life. I like college, but I want something more and it's killing me just as bad as it's killing him. Three more years.

I want to hang out with my boyfriend and our friends. We don't have 'our' friends, we have my friends and we have his friends. Nobody is mutual between us, except for maybe his parents. I want that but I'll never have that. At least not for a long time and by then we'll have to be responsible. We'll be 'grown-ups' in the real world with real issues and real work and real problems and real bills and real jobs. So for now we have the phone. At least we have that..

I want consistency. Nothing is forever, and this moving around is driving me crazy. Friends will never be the same, we're old and we have lives to get on with.

My birthday is coming up and all I want is everyone I love in one place. That's all I want; to be really really happy for a few hours. Happy enough to believe that I've never been that happy.

It's not that I'm not happy, but this distance is killing me.

2006-04-27T14:18:00.000-05:00

Edit:

The friends comment was about friends here. I love my friends at home and can't wait to see them. And I know that even though we don't talk much, it's all good when we get back in the hood.

(Thanks for the reminder Lar)

2006-04-24T22:25:00.000-05:00

This place is OUT OF CONTROL.

I cannot wait to go home, this year has been incredibly hectic. Good, but hectic. Classes are shitting on me. Mother nature is shitting on me. Rowing is shitting on me and will give me a heart attack from the stress. Will I quit? Probably not. I've never quit anything in my life. I don't think. Oh, I quit violin, but I had to. Ok so I didn't HAVE to, but that got boring.

So I lied, even though rowing is stressing me out, I kinda like it. A Novice Freshman MAYBE coxing the 1st Varsity boat? Besides making the varsity coxswains hate me, it's pretty sweet....and exciting to know that I've got a spot next year, and every year after that if I decide to keep up with it. It proves that even though some girl on my team will write all over the internet about how she doesn't see why I'm in the A Novice boat, there's at least a reason why I'm there. I don't think I've ever been really good at something. But it's badass to work your ass off since August and beat out girl that have been doing this for multiple years. And I'm just as happy to cox the Novice A. Those be mah gurls I've been with since Day 1. Either way, I win, and it's the shit.

JOSH COMES ON FRIDAY. That's like, 4 days. ECSTATIC. It's been too long. AHAHAJHLFAKHSDFKJAHDLKFSJAKDF;A

Classes are stupid. Why must we attend college? Propoganda. Everything is hype and propoganda. But we're all a slave to it, and I'm pulling for a perfect Freshman year.

Everything's great when you work for want you want. It's more awesome when everything's working out.

Notice how there's no mentioning of friends. Well, guess you can't win 'em all. I have friends. Maybe a few are real, true friends, but I'm too busy to even make the distinction.

It's a sad, sad, busy life I lead. 3.5 weeks til Ktown/Zach's wedding/working once again. 1.5 months til Hawaii and my life is sane again.

2006-04-02T20:35:00.000-05:00

I miss Josh and I wanna cuddle waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2006-02-26T20:24:00.000-06:00

Patience is a virtue to everyone but the patient one.

I'm flying home next weekend. Thannnnnnnnnnnnk God.

Anna and Alli are coming the weekend after that.

Then every weekend is owned by rowing.

Sleeping ever? Nope.

2006-02-19T14:14:00.000-06:00

Why is it that every paper I turn in for English ends up being about love?

He just made everything 100% better.

2006-02-17T14:30:00.000-06:00

I hate Valentine's Day and everyone who doesn't try to understand the way I feel right now and just tells me to get "over my bitchy mood". I'm sorry you got 4 bouquets of roses from 4 different guys and you don't give a flying fuck about any of them and you walk all over them like it's your job. And don't fucking make fun of me for checking the mail to see if I got HIS letter, or HIS flowers that still haven't come. I'm getting shit on by half of my friends because I don't drink and I'm sick and tired of having to take care of them because they don't know when to stop. And worrying about them when they drive drunk. And getting woken up at all hours of the night because of it. And them thinking it's funny the next day when I tell them how other people woke me up at 3 AM because someone else found her on the bathroom floor shaking and they didn't know what to do or if she was okay. And having to change her out of her clothes because she threw up all over them. Then putting her to bed. And sleeping in her room all night to make sure she's okay. And never hearing a thank you. So I keep shit to myself and I shut my damn mouth. And why do I have to put up with this every weekend? Why do I let myself put up with is every weekend? I'd like to think it's because I'm not a shitty friend.

Fuck I miss Josh.

My best friend right now is homework and rowing. And Sam. And this shitass sinus infection.

I just swore a lot. And I am in the worst mood right now.

I'm going to practice.

Waiting

2006-01-07T22:10:00.000-06:00

I know that nobody reads this, and if they do then I don't know about it. And that's fine by me. Well, I know that Josh will read this sometime. Maybe.

I leave tomorrow to go to Austin to train for rowing. I'm not really looking forward to it like I thought I would be. Or I guess how I think I should be. I wanted more time at home...but I know I'd regret not going too, since I did get selected and the girls on the team are pretty cool. I'm in such an awkward spot. I'm not exactly happy anywhere I go unless I'm with Josh. I guess that's a good thing in most ways, but it's really shitty since I'm not with him too often. I love school, and I love being at home, but it's not like being with him. It's so lonely. Maybe that's why I'm so clingy when we're together. I guess because I know it never lasts long.

I keep thinking about how I have everything to look forward to, and I do. It's just that all this waiting is catching up to me and sometimes it puts me in a shitty mood. I miss him so much and it's just so hard sometimes. I hate hearing about my friends transferring schools to be with their boyfriends, and about their stupid fights. I hate hearing about how they can spend every day together. I hate knowing that Valentine's Day will suck this year because I'll be alone, and not knowing how many other times we won't be together. I guess it's not hate, it's jealousy. It's so hard sometimes. And I know we're strong because we've made it this far, but everyone has weak moments. And sometimes you just have to cry because you're at home and you're lonely and soon you will go for 5 months without having any time to yourself. Just sometimes you're allowed to cry yourself to sleep because it makes you feel better later and you can't keep everything inside anymore.

And it's not that I'm unhappy, because I'm so happy. It's just a low moment and I need to vent.

So, Josh, if you're reading this, don't be sad, because you know I don't feel like this all the time. I just miss you so much and I just want to be with you. I can't get you off my mind, not that I'm trying to, but I can't wait to see you again...I love you so much.

2005-08-28T15:31:00.000-05:00

"Plan harm for another and harm yourself most,
The evil we hatch always comes home to roost. "

Life's getting a little tougher than last week.
Shit, I miss him.

Torn

2005-08-25T17:41:00.000-05:00

"Life's too big to pass for a dream."

So I'm here at KU and it's been good so far. I've met a lot of new people and they are all really nice. Rowing starts on Monday. Josh is at bootcamp. I'm so proud of him, but I miss him so much. This is tough.

I have a paper to write though. Procrastination.

2005-07-11T22:03:00.000-05:00

Umm so I'm wicked busy lately. Cabo was beautiful and I'm working every day and I leave for Orientation at KU on Sunday with Mommy until Wednesday. Thennn, Josh in like 17 days now. SO EXCITED.

Everything is going really well lately, friends, and boyfriend, everything is wonderful. Umm, that's it.

2005-06-19T20:21:00.001-05:00

and the porno store. so awkward but so funny. it took us some 20 minutes to get the guts to even walk in the door, and i think we made the people who were there for serious feel really stupid by giggling at the peepee pumps and...feminine...toy...things. i guess it's cool to do something just because you can.

2005-06-19T20:21:00.000-05:00

the ladies. (wish you coulda been there beav)

2005-06-19T20:20:00.000-05:00

How am I not myself?

2005-06-19T20:19:00.000-05:00

18th birthday

2005-06-18T10:16:00.000-05:00

Happy birthday to meeee

I CAN BUY PORN!

One of those nights

2005-06-15T23:42:00.000-05:00

It was a bad night. She never writes unless there's something wrong. All she wants is to be with him. Away from these people, if only for a little while. He's an escape. He's bliss. And she's trapped. You know that feeling you get when you know everyone is looking at you, waiting for your next move? You know because you try to look away, but the stares follow you in the corner of your eye. They're watching you. Taunting. "Drink it." No. Repeat. You freeze and want to scream and slap the reason in the face. It wouldn't be this way if he was here. She hates counting the days, but she has nothing else. She leaves and they whine, but she couldn't care less. There's a happiness luring deep underneath the layers, a certain pride in rejecting their demands. But it's all bittersweet. She did it for him, because she'd never betray his trust. But he can't be there to see it. And it kills her. More than anyone can see or know. But it's all for the better anyway. Because after all, sadness brings strength.

forty-four days.

2005-05-21T09:43:00.000-05:00

I miss you when I'm sad, because you're always there to make me feel better.
I miss you when I'm tired, because you always let me fall asleep on your shoulder.
I miss you when I'm scared, because you make me feel safe.
I miss you when I'm sick, because I know you'd always take care of me.
I miss you when I'm lonely, because I never feel that way when I'm with you.
I miss you when I'm hyper, because you're the one who always laughs at me no matter how stupid I'm acting.
But I miss you most when I'm happy, because you're the one I want to share it with.

Ahhh...these days are so bittersweet.

A lotta life before me

2005-05-20T11:09:00.000-05:00

I have finished high school. Graduation is two days away. This is so odd. Oh yeah, and my three AP tests last week weren't that bad. I got close to perfect on the free responses for Micro, and Macro, and Arsy said my Gov. ones were good. So glad that I never have to take another AP test in my life, but I can't believe it's over. I took my last final yesterday. It was a beast but I did well despite being not all there. My Grandma is here. I love my Grandma, but sometimes she gets on my nerves. But I guess that's just human nature. I have strep and I feel like death. They tested me for mono, too. I hope I don't have that. A lot.

Because of my diseases I have 4 days off of work. That's the most I've had off since December when Josh was here.

My Grad Party is tomorrow. Hopefully I won't look like hell then because I don't even know how many people will be there. Everybody come so I don't feel like a loser.

So Graduation on Sunday. Hopefully I'll ride up there with the ladies, I'll have to call them later. Then Project Graduation with Lauren and everyone, if I'm feeling a lot better. It doesn't feel over. It doesn't even feel real. It's sad that my teachers are one of the things that I'll miss most. I know I'll see my friends over the summer and whenever we come back during breaks, but my teachers I'll probably never see again. Boo. I miss them already.

I promised Josh I'd update this yesterday but I fell asleep at 3 so I had to do it today.

So I have a busy summer ahead of me. Work every day, teaching private lessons to Mrs. Zell and Mrs. Arsenault's kids, going to Cabo with the fam, Orientation at KU, visiting Josh whenever we figure out when that's possible, then....COLLEGE. I'm scared/nervous/excited. Blah...I'm not fun today because I have green snot. This is disgusting.

HAAAYYYY

2005-05-09T21:00:00.000-05:00

So I guess I shall update this mother.

I've been ridiculously busy lately. I got accepted to the KU Honors Program. And I got Distinguished Achievement, along with Texas Scholar and that shizz. Wooohooo. Had the English AP test last week and it was so much easier than I anticipated. Prom was on Saturday and I had a badass date with my g/f Hobbs and it was way fun. And I did Beav's hair and she looked hot. Especially her boobs. (HAHAH.) And I missed everyone who went but I'm so glad all of y'all had so much fun. Everyone looks so friggin hot in the pictures. I love you guys!

I'm still working everyday so you know how it goes. This summer is going to be so awesome. But, I still have 3 AP tests left this week. So, yeah, I'm not looking forward to those so much. I have only nine days left of high school. FOREVER. Heck yes. I think a bunch of us plus Mr. Leach and Mrs. Arsenault are all going out to lunch when the seniors get out a week earlier than everyone else. Woohoooo. I'm so excited for graduation. And my grad party. If you haven't gotten an invitation, I'm sorry, you're invited, I just ran out. Okay, just don't tell my mom I said that.

Umm, everything with Josh is going excellent. Actually, everything is going pretty well lately. Yay. :)

I'm really nervous about college because I'm the only one going to KU. But I'll be fine, it'll be just like when I moved here and I did fine then, so no worries.

peaaaaaaaace out.

2005-04-30T18:31:00.000-05:00

Last one I promise. (rach/alli/anna/me)

2005-04-30T18:30:00.000-05:00

okay one more

2005-04-30T18:23:00.000-05:00

and my wonderfully excellent boyfrand. what a stud eh?

2005-04-30T17:55:00.000-05:00

me&hobbs

2005-04-30T17:51:00.000-05:00

beav&me

2005-04-30T17:49:00.000-05:00

I have awesome friends.

I was going to put more up, but then I didn't finish.

Sympathy for the Martyr--Straylight Run

2005-04-24T16:51:00.000-05:00

You just can't relax
And you can't rely
On anyone for anything

So you make your complaints
And, oh, everyone's let you down
You just can't ever win

Convinced there's a war
And it's always
Everybody versus you
Convinced that you're critics are watchin'
And you've always got something,
You've always got something to prove

So tie the noose
And raise the cross
The martyr's arrived
A desperate plea for sympathy
It's all you need

A laundry list of problems doesn't make you interesting
And never getting help doesn't make you brave
Not listening to reason doesn't mean that you have faith
You're just cutting off your nose to spite your face

So tie the noose
And raise the cross
The martyr's arrived
A desperate plea for sympathy
It's all you need

And you want it all
You want it, you want it all

<3Hobbs

2005-04-21T21:50:00.000-05:00

BLUgirlie04: im just lucky to have known her for so long. and it really put a lot of things into perspective. ive been living in my little bubble for so long. there is a world outside of my little problems. i have good friends and family, and it made me appreciate it more

smile itz kt: yeah I bet

smile itz kt: that's good

BLUgirlie04: yea definitely. this whole semester my life has been party after party, and all this drama. im over that crap. theres a real world out there

smile itz kt: very true

BLUgirlie04: a world full of people with REAL problems. no more of this self-absorbed crap

BLUgirlie04: lol sorry. ive been thinking too much lately

smile itz kt: it's okay, it's very insightful :)

BLUgirlie04: lol i try

smile itz kt: don't get too serious though

BLUgirlie04: o no lol. more like a good balance

smile itz kt: good good

BLUgirlie04: it makes me wanna spend time with you guys more. cuz i havent seen or talked to becca more than once a year for the past few years. so i want to stay in touch with everyone

BLUgirlie04: cuz you never know what could happen!

Hobbs this weekend :)

Comfort.

2005-04-21T15:33:00.000-05:00

She'd fold her arms across her chest, and she could picture life in this kind of place.

The kind of place where she felt comfort. The kind of place she could see him. The only place she could see him, touch him, be with him. Dreaming. She's free with him. She doesn't care about anyone else. It's these times she feels so good. It's the only time she feels good anymore. She's so above this state she's forced to be in right now. Maybe not truly, but in spirit that's how she feels. She thinks she's fooling everyone, but they see right through her. They know he's all she wants.

It would be that time--late at night--when your ears reach out for any sound. When you can see more with your eyes closed than open.

That time when she feels alive.

We all have our Flaws

2005-04-21T15:03:00.000-05:00

I'm a hopeless romantic. And sometimes...I break. Especially during PMS week.

I have OCD. So, okay, I haven't been diagnosed with it. But I'm convinced. I can't sit still--I always bounce my legs--and I get depressed if I'm not busy all the time. Sometimes I'll clean my room for hours.

I'm mildly dyslexic. Not all the time, but sometimes I screw up phone numbers or read the numbers on addresses backwards. Probably because I never dial them. Hooray technology.

I'm a dreamer and I want perfection. Of course, I know that none of it will ever be perfect. But it's nice to think it will. I remember, in New York, Britt always used to call me a Perfectionist pretty much every day because I did everything a certain way, all the time.

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow. I want to chop it off because it's starting to annoy me.

I dunno, I'm in a bad mood and I want a day off of work.

It's 420.

2005-04-20T20:35:00.000-05:00

Ok, so like, it's 420, every reefer smoking pothead's Christmas. I'm annoyed. Extremely perturbed. To the max. Shut up, I don't care about your weed or how many bowls you smoke. Neither does anyone else. It makes you look stupid and sound even dumber, so don't tell me about it.

I was late to work today because I forgot about a make up swim lesson. Well, I was only like 5 or 10 minutes late. Oh well. Some of these kids make me not want to have children. Like Anishka. She can swim laps but just wants attention so she tries to run away. Alyssa, the hypochondriac. These whiney bitchy kids. Then there's Gavin. He's probably the cutest thing ever. He dances like a retarded chicken then leaps into the water on top of my head. He's 3. He told me he had to go "PooPoo" like 4 times, but then said "Miss Katie, I don't hafta go poopoo anymore."

I'm majorly procrastinating on a paper that's due tomorrow. Senioritis has finally hit. I don't care about a poetry analysis of Yeats' "The Second Coming" anymore. I've had to go in at 7:30 and take 4 practice AP Tests the past two days when the rest of the senior class got to go in at 11:30. Yeah, I'm complaining. What happened to me doing things a day early? Oh, I realized I don't care. That's right.

I kind of miss swimming. I miss everyone on the team most definitely. I'll miss being a captain with Beav and Aly, Bryson and Chris. Becky, and all the seniors that helped us out so much. Anna my second little sister that I love dearly. Taylor the ADD psycho. Audrey the angry Christian. Alanna the negro. Oh I love all of you g/f's. And all the rest of our team and the rest of the girls I got dressed with every morning. All 80 of us with 3 showers. How we managed to get ready in 30 minutes every day this entire year is beyond me.

It has finally hit me when Beav brought up today that our last day of high school is exactly a month from today. This is insane. Freedom.

It's really sad that some of my good friends are my teachers. They're the kind of teachers that make me want to be a teacher too. Arsey, Davis, Leach, Perry, Zell. Seriously, they know more gossip than I do. Whenever I come home from Lawrence next year, I'm going to go up to the school and hang out with them. 'Cause that's all we did today. They get me out of Health class so I won't have to suffer and make up some lie for me. What pals. They're so funny and they make fun of me all the time, but I do it too. I'll miss them so much next year. At least I'll see Arsey and Zell this summer since I'm teaching their kids swim lessons. Aw, yay.

I'm really lonely and I need a hug and a kiss from my wonderfully awesome boyfriend. It was really hard to be here on Sunday for his 18th birthday. I cried a little. I'm starting another loathing towards happy couples once again. I hate you. Oh loneliness, I hate you too. I miss you and I love you babe.

"The best lack all conviction, while the worst/

Are full of passionate intensity."

W. B. Yeats.

2005-04-18T20:43:00.000-05:00

It's so close to summer I can taste it. I'm so excited. Finally not having to dread going back into that brick building. Working all the time and being incredibly tan again. Heck yes. Going to Hawaii with the fam. Orientation at KU. And Myrtle Beach with Josh. Ohhh I cannot wait. :):)

I didn't sleep at all last night. Well, barely at all. I'm soo excited.

2005-04-17T11:05:00.000-05:00

E'rrybody say

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOSHHHHHHHH!!!"

2005-04-12T21:36:00.000-05:00

Theft is not fun. If I ever find out who did this...I don't know. I'm pissed. That necklace means so much to me. Seriously. I picked apart my room/bathroom/closet last night...just in case it might be here somewhere. It's not anywhere. It's gone. So I cried myself to sleep for about an hour. I was hysterical I was so mad. I don't know what to do. I'm so upset and I feel like the worst girlfriend ever and I feel so guilty. I love that necklace...

Somebody shat in the pool today. Not just ordinary shat, mutant multiplying shat that dispersed throughout the entire facility. Poop fishing has become a talent of mine.

People told me today that they think I have OCD because I'm anal about the tiniest things that really don't make a difference in anything. Like paperwork. Everything has to be neat and in order and every format must be the same. If it's not, I freak out. No joke. They're probably right. I probably get it from my mom. She cleans the house on a weekly schedule and does laundry while we're on vacation at hotels. Disgusting.

Tomorrow is a completely pointless day for school. I don't want to go but Leach is reviewing for the Macro AP test and there's exemptions so I only have one absence left. But seriously, what's the point in going back to the schedule we had before Christmas for one day? Umm, yeah. Next week is TAKS week, so from Tuesday-Friday, Seniors don't have to go in until 11:30 for some BS assembly that nobody will listen to. Hopefully it'll be another ex-heroin addict who bitched at us for being immature. Hooray KHS.

There was another stupid ass fight between KHS and FRHS, but this time they added in Central. Why are these effing football players so freaking retarded. "They said our school was stupid, so I kicked their ass." Congratulations. You're the next up on K-Town Townies who go to TCC, but skip class because that's what the cool people do, spend endless nights at Whataburger, hit on blonde Freshmen chicks who have playboy bunny tanning tatoos at Starbucks, and get drunk and high in the Winn Dixie parking lot. TCC is NOT bad. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that GRADUATION FROM HIGH SCHOOL MEANS YOU DON'T GO THERE ANYMORE. Get over it.

I'm in a horrible mood.

But she has a point. I love you Sarah.

smile itz kt: i feel like it's all my fault
smile itz kt: like...it has so much meaning behind it
smile itz kt: soooooooo much
Beava2612: its not your fault that someone took it
Beava2612: I know it does I know
Beava2612: but you havnt lost the feeling that both of you share
Beava2612: its in your hearts
Beava2612: and no one can steal that from you!
Beava2612: No one!
Beava2612: everything will be okay, you did nothing wrong!

2005-04-12T21:21:00.000-05:00

I have an infatuation with the emotion of love.

Let me not to the Marriage of True Minds

2005-04-08T11:57:00.000-05:00

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments; love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.

O, no, it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to ever wand'ring bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

You know, I really like Shakespeare. And I kind of have a poetry infatuation at the moment. English IV AP is probably the best class ever and I love it.

To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time

2005-04-06T15:48:00.000-05:00

Gather ye rose-buds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today,
Tomorrow will be dying.

The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he's a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he's to setting.

That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.

Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may, go marry;
For having lost but once your prime,
You may for ever tarry.

2005-04-05T20:59:00.000-05:00

31 school days until graduation. I hate this school more each day. High school is so overrated.

I told my mom that nothing was going to stop me from going to North Carolina. I need this. I wish I was leaving today.

Unconditional

2005-04-05T15:49:00.000-05:00

I love my boyfriend. I'm pretty sure that even though I do stupid things, say stupid things, and again do stupid things way too many times, and as many times as I overreact and blow stupid things out of proportion that we could get through anything.

I really would do anything for him. And I'd probably love him just the same no matter what happens, especially since everything we've gone through to get where we are now.

I'm getting really frustrated with everyone questioning me about it. It's not their business, and, honestly, I'm just sick of it. Just leave me be, I'm happy with him; he makes me so happy. So why are you putting a damper on it? It has nothing to do with you; this is between he and I.

He's my favorite person in the world and I love him so much.

2005-04-04T21:30:00.000-05:00

Throughout life we all strive for something. It's the endless battle for self-realization. Really getting to know yourself, despite what everyone else thinks. It's become next to impossible getting to find out who you really are. Nowadays, it's breaking through that that is the hardest obstacle of life.

With the endless 'cliques', stereotypes, and the like, people tend to mold you into their own version of 'you'. With everyone else thinking that way about you, you start to not only think about yourself in that way, but strive to become that vision as well. We don’t think for ourselves; we do what everyone else wants regardless of our desires. For some reason the demise of today's generation seems inexorable. But why have we fallen to this?

The answer is simple: we're conditioned. We're conditioned to think that we are the way we are and that's that. We are not special, and there's no way that we can make a difference. People tell us otherwise, but people tell us not to do drugs too. Now look what happened. We thrive on controversy and irking people in the wrong way. What we don't realize is that just changing one person's outlook; one person's life, in a good way, is making a difference. Once we realize the true power that each one of us holds, we will have fixed this concern.

That’s the problem with my generation, we believe what we’re told and we don’t bother looking for any deeper meaning. We take what we get but we don’t search for more. We’re content with mediocrity. We avoid all mistakes, over looking what we might learn from them. That’s it: we’re just plain and simple and predictable.

Until we realize that we are not what we wear; we are not how skinny we are; we are not how burly we are; we are not who we know; we are not who we refuse to talk to; we are not just a name; we are not insignificant, then we will realize what we are.

^Random Honor's Program essay I busted out in 10 minutes. I don't know if it's any good. Oh well. I don't care anymore, it had to be 300 words and it's like 308.

I'm in a bad effing mood. Something funny happened to me today but I'm not even going to write about it.

Ugh. I'm done.

Movin' on Up

2005-04-02T12:18:00.000-06:00

Wow a lot of things have changed in the past week. Daaannng. So Mike, Bria, Kevin, Ross and I are all head guards as of today. Woohoo. Christian is also putting me in charge of all swim lessons, so I am Head WSI, too. Which basically means that I signed my soul over to the Keller Pointe until I leave for college. Oh, joy. But money is good, because I need it for the summer & college. And work's fun because the people I work with are pretty awesome.

I made a save last night. It was pretty cool because I hadn't made a real save yet, until then. Then had that movie crap and then Northwood Church party until midnight. Worked for like a year last night. Boo.

I went to the doctor yesterday and I have a sinus infection. I feel like shit and it's pretty awesome. Maybe I should find a new life away from pools because I'm pretty sure that air's not helping. Oh well.

And Josh finally made a decision on what he's doing next year (ha...just kidding. Kind of. :)). I'm really proud of him and everyone keeps telling me that we're going to last forever. That's pretty cool, because only one person here has met him. I hope we will.

Sheep People.

2005-03-31T21:32:00.000-06:00

Oh, my bestest friend. Madd hott, yo.

2005-03-29T21:57:00.000-06:00

JBiddy,

I am so proud of you. Of course on the side I'm incredibly worried and scared, but you already knew that I'd be that way. I always knew this is what you would choose. Deep down I always knew it. And I love you for it, never forget that. I'll always be here waiting for you.

Forever and Always,

Your Ho.

After reading my paper for English on love:

BbAllsLiFe2: u are so in love

BbAllsLiFe2: its awesome

smile itz kt: hahaha

BbAllsLiFe2: high five for u

smile itz kt: haha thanks karan

2005-03-28T22:01:00.000-06:00

Haaaaaaa.

Motion of the Ocean

2005-03-28T20:57:00.000-06:00

So the many wonders of the swimming world is how to teach children that butterfly kick is "all in the hips." So making myself look like an idiot standing on the deck; humping the air, making insane gestures with my arms, saying, "NO IT'S LIKE A DOLPHIN!!" and whipping a rope; apparently doesn't get anything across except for comic relief of my good pals in the guard room. They're good kids, they just don't listen very well. But they're my favorite swim lesson. Well, whatever, they got it anyway after many minutes of practice. I'm hardcore like that.

I hate freshmen. I really do. Especially dumb ones. Yeah, I know I was a freshman once too, but I wasn't a bitchy cheerleader freshman; I was an incredibly ugly/nerdy/innocent one. Anyway, I really hate freshmen. That's what I get for having to take health as a senior just to graduate, and I am the only senior in the entire class. Day One consisted of a twitching Coach Hatchett, some kid behind me talking about how many bowls he smoked and how "tab fucked" he was this one time, the three underclass cheerleaders throwing a fit when Coach told them that cheerleading was not a real sport--which made them sound much like my 12 year old sister--as they gave dirty looks to every human being that passed by their desks as if they were covered in cat shit. It pissed me off just watching them. Seriously, that class will be the end of me. I take AP classes because I can't stand the people in regular. Well, that and my parents make me.

I'm seriously thinking about prom. It might be fun to go. But most of the fun happens after, am I correct? That and I have no idea who I'd sit with; I'd have to choose between two really close groups of people. That and I'd have to buy a dress. And with a dress you must buy shoes, jewelry, get your hair and nails done...AND oh yeah, tickets are what $85? You know, I'm really just not feeling that. Maybe I can strike up a deal with the parentals: no prom = North Carolina? I just remembered something else I'd have to spend money on, the limo. Seriously, it's not worth it for me this year. I love you guys, but you all have someone to go with. It's not me this time. Lauren, I will so make it up to you, I promise. And we will all chizzizle at some point afterwards, even if I have to travel from hotel to hotel to someone's house, we will chizzizle.

Aaron's baby is due next week so I asked him if he was nervous or excited or anything. He said he doesn't get nervous or excited. Then Zach said,

"Well, you have to get excited sometime. That's how you made the baby."

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa......

Frustration on all Levels.

2005-03-27T20:30:00.000-06:00

So we all know all too well that college creates money issues. Everybody knows that. So apparently my mom has talked to my dad about me going to North Carolina. He says no. Not because of the usual "he's a boy, he has a penis" issue, but because I'm going to college next year and I need to eat. So I go on mapquest just to see how long it would take if I drove there. Apparently it really is over a 1,000 miles away (I didn't believe it was that far) and over 17 hours. My life sucks and I'm going to go slit my wrists.

What pisses me off is that I have been saving money. I really have tried. I have something over 300 dollars in a jar sitting right in front of my face, and over 600 dollars in a savings account. And I really couldn't tell you how much is in my checking. That's why I have money in a jar; I spend my checking account with the wonderful invention of the visa check card and a shopping addiction. They should probably cut that card in half. Anyway, I really fucking hope this isn't a "he's a boy, he has a penis" issue in disguise.

You know, my parents are really lucky. I've never screwed up. I've never even had a flipping detention. I have a 4.0 gpa. I hold a leadership position in three extracurricular clubs/teams, and even helped to found one of those. I'm also the only one of my friends that STILL GOES to the stupid meetings (p.s. I hate all of those who have senior off. Oh wait, I didn't take that because 1. Mom said it would look bad for college. and 2. I'm taking English 4 AP Dual, which means I signed over my soul to Mrs. Zell.). I'm taking 5 AP tests that I'm going to have to go to tutorials for almost every day for the next month. I've never drank, and I've never touched a drug in my life. I work every day, which also owns my life. Why won't they let me use MY money to buy a plane ticket? They don't have to give me anything. Why can't I just do something I want to do? Really, I never get a break. It gets old.

So honestly, I need a vacation. I need to get out of here and on my own and you know it'd sorta be realllllly nice to see my boyfriend. Not to mention that I'm almost convinced he completely hates me right now. I won't eat at KU for a few weeks, I swear. I'm going anyway. Jesus, I'm going to be working while I'm going to school anyway. What effing difference does it make?

Then they go on to discuss the family vacation we're taking this summer. Where shall we go? Italy? Hawaii? Bahamas? I'd rather go to Carolina. Seriously. Leave me be. I'll be 18 soon and I'll do what I want.

I'm extremely pissed off. Every time I say that things couldn't get better it all goes to hell.

For Easter dinner we ate ham, and all I could think of was "porking".

2005-03-27T16:32:00.000-06:00

Happy Easter.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't completely ignorant when it comes to religion.

2005-03-27T10:23:00.000-06:00

You know, I really can't handle silence. I just realized this.

2005-03-26T19:33:00.000-06:00

Today Ross asked me what love is and how you know if you're in it. I tried to explain the best I could, but what I basically ended up with was, "You just do." He thinks he is. Hooray Ross.

Then I cleaned a kid's bloody nose for 10 minutes. And lost my voice as it gradually kept cracking more and more as I got more and more pissed at the youth of America. I think I'm changing my mind about reproducing.

I finished my banquet attire. This wasn't what I expected, but it happens I guess. I think I like it more actually. Does it really matter? No.

I'm glad I was able to help Alli and Nick. They sound really happy. I'm happy for them.

Blah...Each day is getting harder.

2005-03-25T22:48:00.000-06:00

"'Anything you can acquire,' she says, 'is only another thing you'll lose.'

The answer is there is no answer.

For real, this is a way heavy moment."

I think I could read this book 8 million times and never get sick of it. It's like enlightenment over and over again.

I worked a lot today. The pool is so overchlorinated that my contacts were stuck to my eyes. And I got this massive headache on top of nonstop coughing so I stole aspirin from the first aid kit. Then Bria Ryan and I had that dinner and a movie crap where these two kids attached themselves to my legs and started kissing me and said "I'm going to marry you." Kids are so weird sometimes. Then I taught a swim lesson to my favorite kids then returned to watch Hercules. I guess I'll have a lot of money to save up. And I found out I'm going to get a couple hundred back from taxes too. Yayy...which means a definite trip to NC..............

It was good to see old friends tonight. I miss you guys. Even just sitting at Starbucks like losers for hours is fun just to catch up on things. We've all changed so much since sophomore year, but we can still act stupid together and talk about "Remember the times" like it was the first time we were remembering the time. "Penis breaaaaathhhh." That's friendship.

I needed some comfort, so thanks guys.

I'm sick and I don't feel good so I needed to come home early tonight. Not that I've done anything my entire spring break. I don't know, it felt good to just be at home a lot actually. I'm also halfway wishing to talk to someone, but that won't happen. I don't know.

God this hurts.

2005-03-25T11:33:00.000-06:00

I guess you can always Carpe Diem.

Seize the Carp, right?

Not Alone...

2005-03-24T23:44:00.010-06:00

allisonleigh83: its hard being apart sometimes..
allisonleigh83: can't live with 'em can't live without 'em...
allisonleigh83: why is that?
smile itz kt: because we girls need something to keep us guessing
allisonleigh83: haha must be
smile itz kt: it's that i love to hate to love you thing

allisonleigh83: it was funny.. my mom and i were talking.. like everybody thinks that everybody else has it all together.. and in reality.. NO ONE has it all together.. but yet, we all have people that we view as having it all together and that we strive to be like..
allisonleigh83: its sad, but yet humorous at the same time
smile itz kt: i know
smile itz kt: it's like we have to put on this act for everyone
smile itz kt: "look at the happy long distance couple girls"
smile itz kt: look at us
smile itz kt: we're all so sad inside
allisonleigh83: i guess the humorous part is that everybody falls for it..
allisonleigh83: yea
smile itz kt: we're fooling everyone but eachother
allisonleigh83: yupp
allisonleigh83: i know
allisonleigh83: thats so weird
allisonleigh83: and i think sometimes i even am able to fool myself..
smile itz kt: most of the time i do
allisonleigh83: that's especially weird
allisonleigh83: i mean.. we're us
allisonleigh83: how do we trick OURSELVES?

smile itz kt: i hate distance.
allisonleigh83: distance is a jerk

smile itz kt: i guess maybe it's supposed to be this way?
allisonleigh83: maybe
smile itz kt: maybe we'll be better for it
allisonleigh83: i know i would do worse in school if nick were here..
allisonleigh83: haha
smile itz kt: true
allisonleigh83: i would probably shave more though
smile itz kt: hahaha
allisonleigh83: and take more showers
smile itz kt: yeah instead of going for weeks
allisonleigh83: no guys here are worth taking showers for
allisonleigh83: haha
allisonleigh83: thats funny
allisonleigh83: i love how so often we have greasy hair and hoodies

Don't worry Alli, I love you.

2005-03-24T21:06:00.000-06:00

I'm so lost right now. I don't know what's going on. I swear to God I'll never screw up like this again.

"There's no way you can get the past right. You can pretend. You can delude yourself, but you can't re-create what's over."

Now if only I could for once think things through before doing the next stupid compulsive thing. Honestly, how many times is my stupid emotional week of PMS going to screw me over like this? I start a fight every single effing time.

Is it to late to make a New Year's resolution to think before speaking or acting?

I went to the dentist today. I hate the dentist. But I could only think of one thing. I didn't gag. I always gag at the dentist.

"Practice."

I worked too. Well, I work every day so I guess it's not that special. It's something to pass the time. And to make money for this summer. And the kids I teach are cute when they're not crying. They give me hugs and kiss me on the cheek and tell me thank you for teaching them how to use ice cream scoops and talk to the fishies. And one of the girls that was there while I was lifeguarding came up to me and told me I was pretty, and it made me smile. It keeps my mind off of things if only for a little while. A small escape.

I don't know what else to say.

2005-03-24T12:05:00.000-06:00

"I'm simplifying myself.

Somewhere balanced in the perfect middle between happiness and sadness.

Because sponges never have a bad day."

2005-03-23T21:30:00.000-06:00

I prayed last night. For the first time in my life I prayed. I had nothing else. I felt like nothing. I'm still nothing. So I turned to someone who seems to have brought help to millions of people, so I thought that maybe I could be one. I wrote what I prayed for last night on here. After I was done, I felt a little bit better. It's weird, but I did. I didn't think, I just said things in my head and closed my eyes. Maybe someone up there heard me. I hope so.

I can't set expectations. But what I felt when I was done was hope. There are no expectations. There is only hope. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Tonight, that is my mindset. I hope.

I realized that I have some really good friends though. I wouldn't tell them anything today and I think I was really rude to them all but they still care. I don't feel well and I told them that and that I needed to fix things. And they understand. They all tried to get me out of the house to get my mind off of something that they don't even know what it is, and I can't because I need to fix this, but they understand. I love you Sarah, Drea, Rachel, and Anna. I miss you all so much.

Now there is only hope. I just hope.

"Konstantine", Something Corporate

2005-03-23T12:55:00.000-06:00

This is my favorite song of all time. I cry almost every time I listen to it.

I can't imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don't understand
All the things you've seen
But I'm slipping in between
You and your big... dreams
It's always you in my big dreams

And you tell me
That it's over
Wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clover
And your restless
And I'm naked
You've got to get out
You can't stand to see me shaking
No, would you let me go
I didn't think so

And you don't want to be here in the future
So you say the present's just a pleasant
Interruption to the past
And you don't want to look much closer
'Cause you're afraid to find out all this hope
You had sent into the sky by now had... crashed
And it did because of me

And then you bring me home
Afraid to find out that you're alone, no
And I'm sleeping in your living room
But we don't have much room
To live

And I had dreams that i might learn to play guitar
Maybe cross the country
Become a rockstar
And there was hope in me
That I could take you there
Dammit you're so young
but, I don't think I care
And if I hurt you, then I'm sorry
Please don't think that this was easy

And then you bring me home
'Cause we both know what its like to be alone, no
And I'm dreaming in your living room
But we don't have much room
To live

And Konstantine is walking down the stairs
Doesn't she look good
Standing in her underwear?
And I was thinkin, what I was thinkin
We've been drinking
And it doesn't get me anywhere
My Konstantine came walking down the stairs
And all that I could do
Was touch her long, blonde hair
And I've been thinking, it hurts me thinkin
That these nights when we were drinking
No they never got us anywhere, no

This is because I can spell konfusion with a K
And I can like it
It's to dying in another's arms
And why I had to try it
It's to Jimmy Eat World
And those nights in my car
When the first star you see, may not be a star
and "I'm not your star,"
Isn't that what you said?
What you thought this song meant?

And if this is what it takes
Just to lie in my mistakes
And live with what I did to you
And all the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock, it's 11:11
Now you wanna talk
It's not hard to dream
You'll always be my Konstantine
My Konstantine

They'll never hurt you like I do
No, they'll never hurt you like I do
No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No

This is to a girl who got into my head
With all the pretty things she did
Hey, you know you keep me up in bed
This is to a girl who got into my head
With all these fucked up things I did
Hey maybe baby, you could keep me up in bed

My Konstantine
Spin around me like a dream
We played out on this movie screen
And i said, did you know I missed you
and did you know I missed you
Did you know I missed you
and did you know I missed you
and did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
I miss you

And then you bring me home
And we go to sleep, but this time not alone, no no,
And you'll kiss me in your living room,
I know you miss me in your living room,
'Cause these nights I think maybe that I miss you in my living room
We don't have much room
I said does anybody need that room?
Because we all need a little more room
To live

My Konstantine.

2005-03-23T12:01:00.000-06:00

How many times am I going to fuck everything up to realize that I'm just screwing myself over for selfish reasons? How many times am I going to hurt him? They say you always hurt the ones you love the most. How many times am I going to do this? I'm always screwing up. And this time I knew this would happen. I knew this wouldn't turn out good. I knew it. But I'm a fucking moron and I still did it.

So what do I do to deal with it? I cry for hours and don't sleep or eat and work myself into such a fit that I throw up. Whenever I fall asleep I wake up minutes later in a crying cold sweat. I don't feel sorry for myself this time. I did this to myself. I could beg for forgiveness but I don't deserve it. I wonder sometimes if he would be better off without me. There I go crying again. Things would be different if we didn't live a thousand miles away, but this is all we have, and I go and fuck it up, again. I'm a pathetic piece of shit and I'm the worst girlfriend of all time.

And he's going through a bad time. And I know it but I don't want to pry. But it hurts that he won't tell me. I know it's because he doesn't want me to worry or hurt, but I'd rather share it then have him keep it all inside. But I know that there's no chance of him telling me now, even if he does forgive me, and I wouldn't blame him if he didn't.

I'm not showing him love like he deserves it. I want to so badly. I want to be there for him and I want mutual trust like we used to have. We had that two days ago. But I screwed that up and I don't know if he'll ever forgive me. And it hurts so bad. I'm a horrible person. It hurts so bad.

I love him.

2005-03-22T22:13:00.000-06:00

God,

Please give him someone who deserves him. Please give him someone that will forever make him happy. Please, make whatever is hurting him go away. Please make all of his bad thoughts end. Please give him someone who can be everything that I'm not. Please give him someone who will make him laugh. Please give him someone who loves him as much as I do. Please give him someone who will be good to him. Please give him someone so much better than I am. He doesn't deserve what I've done. He doesn't deserve to ever be hurt like I've done. He doesn't deserve to be sad. He's such a good person and I've never met a more beautiful spirit. Please don't let me be a horrible person anymore. I feel like I've lost the best thing in my life and now I have and am nothing. Please let him be happy. That's all I want. For him to be happy.

I've never turned to you before, so I hope you're listening. Thank you for everything you've done for him, you made him perfect. Now please, just give him happiness.

2005-03-20T19:31:00.000-06:00

I hope he knows that he means everything to me.

That I'd do anything to make him happy.

That I'd do anything to see him smile.

That I will always be there for him.

That I wish I could be there.

That I wish this would all go away.

That I wish she never came into his life (for more reasons than mere jealousy).

That I miss him more than ever.

That I need him.

That I wouldn't trade what we have for anything in the world.

That he's my best friend.

I hope he knows how much I love him.

2005-03-15T08:07:00.000-06:00

I saw this and thought of you, Josh.

Tuesdays with Morrie

2005-03-08T15:19:00.000-06:00

I've been so agitated and easily annoyed lately. I finally figured out why in English today; seriously, that class is bad ass. We were watching this Oprah movie,--shut up, it was good--Tuesdays with Morrie and there was a whole lot that I could definitely relate to. He says to live you must love and that "...we all need to be touched...we all need to be held." It's kind of druglike for me. An addiction. Maybe because I was never affectionate with my parents; we never say "I love you" or hug, and I don't think I have ever kissed them, at least not as long as I can remember. Not that we don't talk or get along, we're just not affectionate. And that's something that I need, ever since I met him, I've always needed it, and it's become somewhat of an obsession. Is that bad or not? I don't know. I think it's just human nature; the need to be needed. I just want to be endlessly needed by someone. He also says that dependency is not a bad thing. Well, if it is then I'm screwed. Royally.

So I figured out my bitchiness problem; I'm going through withdrawal of lovin'.

2005-03-05T23:23:00.000-06:00

Damn, I called him just to let him know what I was doing and to see how his day was going. We might as well be married.

Some days I just miss you so much.

"The course of true love never did run smooth." -Shakespeare

Well, I suppose Senior themes are good for something besides lack of sleep?

Surge of Heart

2005-03-02T22:22:00.000-06:00

Her heart beats faster and slower at the same time. She ponders the reason for this phenomena, for no other reason than curiosity brought on by boredum, but ultimately she doesn't care--it doesn't really matter. She dreams of his face, unconsiously and awake. Her life is clouded with visions of him. Everything she sees is somehow contigious with this person. Why? She doesn't understand it. Perhaps she never will. But she doesn't care. She will continue this awfully confusing life because she could never ask for anything better. The hurt and the pain, coupled with the passion and the comfort. She lives for it; breathes for it. Heightening of emotions--tears and smiles; audacity and happiness--is all too commonplace. Safety and comfort. Truth and honesty. The raw heat of passion. There's beauty in imperfections; it's the only valid beauty. Besides, how would one know happiness without grief? It's almost too overwhelming. So this is what everyone keeps talking about. But there's no way in hell that they have it like this; nothing anyone else has could ever be this awesome. It's reality at its best. What is real, or feasible, anyway? It doesn't matter; she doesn't care. All that matters is this feeling. This moment at this time. This emotion. She cares nothing of anyone else. She is blind to the future; she ignores the past. Scars will heal, and she wants to forget. Maybe it's selfish, but she doesn't care. All that matters is him and her. Us. She's both vulnerable and strong; content and scared. She's in love.

-Myself.

"Art never comes from happiness." -Chuck Palahniuk

Maybe I'll study English in college..

Faults and Failures

2005-03-01T22:02:00.000-06:00

I'm so far from perfect; there's so many things I'd like to change about myself:

I'm too critical of others.
I'm also too critical of myself--hence, my writing this at all because nobody really cares.
Sometimes I feel like I expect too much.
Likewise, I feel like I never give enough.
I get caught up in things that don't matter.
I take things too seriously sometimes.
I say things I don't mean.
By avoiding things, I only make them worse.
I don't always say what I feel.
I try too hard.
I don't try hard enough.
I'm self centered and a selfish bitch sometimes.
I hurt the ones I love the most because I say things without thinking.
I hold grudges like none other.
I'm stubborn as all hell.

I just try to be a good girlfriend. I try harder at that than anything, I hope he knows that I'm trying to make him as happy as I can from what we have. And I hope so much that he's happy and he knows that I love him with all that I have. I try to be a good friend regardless of the trouble it might get me in in my relationships with my friends. Some have ended badly, but, luckily, they usually forgive me.

I expect too much, I really don't want to ever take you for granted because I love you too much for that.

No one should ever strive for perfection--that's something no one will ever reach--but to become a better person; what better deed is there than that?

Choke

2005-02-28T15:18:00.000-06:00

New favorite book.

I need a life.

Well I have one, it's actually been really fun lately--but if only I could be a not-so-nerd for a while...

Oh well.

"It seemed that moment would last foever. That you had to risk your life to get love. You had to get right to the edge of death to ever be saved."

"More and more, for the stupid little kid, that was the idea...That if enough people looked at you, you'd never need anybody's attention ever again. That if someday you were caught, exposed, and revealed enough, then you'd never be able to hide again. There'd be no difference between your public and your private lives. That if you could acquire enough, accomplish enough, you'd never want to own or do another thing. That if you could eat or sleep enough, you'd never need more. That if enough people loved you, you'd stop needing love. That you could ever be smart enough. That you could someday get enough sex. These all became the little boy's new goals. The illusions he'd have for the rest of his life."

"It showed him how brave and strong and happy a person could become. How torture is torture and humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer."

"And it's funny how when somebody saves you, the first thing you want to do is save other people. All the other people. Everybody."

Umm, so I've only read 40 pages, but it's really good.

Apparently Violence is the Answer for Most People.

2005-02-25T21:33:00.000-06:00

Another crime of domestic violence.

So this guy's at this courthouse because there was a dispute with his ex-wife over child support. So she takes him to court. He dresses in military attire, with a bulletproof vest, and brings along his handy AK-47 and fires, oh you know, 50 rounds. Kills his ex-wife and an innocent bystander. Wounds his son and three officers. Dick.

I am disturbed. At least I live in Texas where the death penalty is definitely put to use for assholes like this and the one mentioned before. Oh wait, they killed him already.

Is it bad that I don't feel pity for him?

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

2005-02-24T18:11:00.000-06:00

This book is so good.

"I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning."

It makes you think. So, you should go buy it. Now.

"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."

I feel that way about us all the time.

I = nerd.

The Disintegration of Society

2005-02-23T21:38:00.000-06:00

This has to be the saddest story I've ever heard.

The worst part is that before I moved to New York, I lived blocks away from this woman's house. Blocks away. I still live about 10-20 minutes from her house. Jesus.

There have been so many deaths in my school district this year that it's unreal. Christine, the bat girl for the girl's softball team last year, the special ed teacher, those kids in that car accident from both Keller and Fossil Ridege, my Physics teacher from last year's son just commited suicide, the kid from Fossil Ridge that OD'ed, that other car accident, now a 7 year old child strangled to death? What happened to morality?

To know someone who had connections with this woman is even more appalling. Arsenault's, my government teacher's, friend was very close with Underwood; their children played together often, and Arsey's husband, a cop, was on guard in this woman's backyard. This obscenity hits me hard for some reason. Why would you kill a pregnant woman...I don't understand. My good friend Aaron's wife is pregnant and i saw her for the first time in months the other night. I don't understand why you would kill that...I don't understand how you could. Worse, why would you kill a 7 year old helpless child?

These deaths were not all caused by selfish assholes, though--most were by accident or natural causes--but this one...it kills me to think that people are this irrational. I can't write much more about this.

Incredibly Irritated

2005-02-21T20:35:00.000-06:00

So, I'm a lifeguard right? I'm supposed to be getting promoted to headlifeguard for the summer, I also teach swim lessons and am going to get water safety instructor training certification so I can teach people how to teach lessons. Yea, whatever. I work at the recreation center where everyone has to have a membership to. I have the coolest job there is in Keller, Tx, at least that's what I'm told? Hooray for me.

Today has to be the busiest day I've ever seen. I hate children. I hate parents. Die, rot in hell, I hate you. So anyway, this kid throws up in the pool right? So, gratefully, I blow the triple whistle and Zach, Denise, and I yell, "CLEAR THE POOL (you bastards)!"

Meanwhile, it takes like 10 minutes to make all these pieces of crap get out, because they're all begging, "Let me go just one more time PLLllllleaealseseeeaea;j..." So anyway, we get them all out eventually, after threatening all of their lives of course. I get the lucky job of hopping in pukey water to skim out this kid's chunks. Gross? yes. And then the questions begin: "Why did you close the pool?" "Can I put my feet in?" "I want my money back, you guys don't know what you're doing." "When are you going to opennnnn?" "WHYWHYWHY WHENWHENWHEN WHATWHATWHAT?"

So my replies were: "If you want to put your feet in vomit water, please, do so." "Trust me, you don't want to." "Why? Because I said so and I'm the lifeguard and the sign says you have to listen to me."

They accused me of lying. 'Yes, I'm lying to you, I get off on pissing off hundreds of people.' Shut up, you're 5. So they checked. I wasn't lying.

So we reopened after 20 minutes because the bossman Eric didn't want to make people more angry by making them wait the full 30 minutes for the chemicals to settle? Friggin idiot. So then, these stupid prepubescent dipshits were jumping all over the slides and railings, and ignoring all of Alissa and I's whistles. Oh no, that's not how we roll. We kick them out. They suck and we hate them. And the parents are breaking all the rules. I hate blowing my whistle at a parent. You either get a "You guys ruin all of our fun", or the wave as if they are saying "It's okay, I don't have to listen to you, even though you were trained to deal with cocky assholes like myself."

All we're supposed to do is save people's lives. Our job is NOT customer service; it's rule enforcement. We're policemen of the pool-awesome metaphor right? I know. Rich suburban white folk and their offspring try to bring us down. My kids will not be these stuck up shitheads. I hate them.

Work is dumb.

The Secrets of Women's Language

2005-02-21T20:30:00.000-06:00

I thought this would be appropriate after the talk last night...

Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. Never use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means, "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so inspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay," means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done."That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.

Thanks a lot: This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...

I found this here

The Human Persona

2005-02-20T12:20:00.000-06:00

Humans hate to be uncomfortable. However, you must step outside your comfort zone to be able to grow as a person. It is in human nature to love what you know, and ignore what you don't. Ignorance, in my opinion, is the worst trait you could have. Of course, it does make life easier, but it makes life fake. Why ignore what might make you happy just because someone else might not like it? Since I left New York, I've always fought for what I wanted, said what I think, and expressed my feelings, without a care of what other people thought of me. It is a small price to pay for a happy life.

It's okay to fear the consequences of what might happen when you think outside the box, but it's not okay to let them stop you.

Joys of Keller Pointe

2005-02-19T21:23:00.000-06:00

Kids at work thought it would be cool to kill CPR baby and hang it in my locker... :(

On Love

2005-02-18T22:29:00.000-06:00

There are many people who go through life that never know what it is to be in love. There is love in their life--from family and friends--but there is never that connection; that special feeling. I, however, am one of the lucky few who will never feel that way no matter what the future brings. Of course, if I had never gone through what I have for the past 3 years or so, I might be one of the doubtfuls: the people who question if there really is such a thing as love. And, would most definitely doubt the possibility of a long distance relationship lasting through high school. But because of just one person, I will forever be a believer.

The relationship started out just as any freshman relationship would. The "will you go out with me"'s and the "i luv u"'s were definitely common back in the day. Who knew that this would last this long? More importantly: who knew that it would grow into what it is now? This person has now become the biggest part of my life and the one person who has had the most influence on the person I have become. Without him, I have no idea what I would be like today.

Today in English class, Zell asked us to write about the type of spouse we want to end up with. Of course we all put down honesty, faithfulness, etc., at the top of our list. But mine went deeper; with things such as intelligence, bravery, respect. After hearing the responses from the 6 guys in the class, Zell, surprised by the sincere answers, told the rest of us girls that if a guy treasures our intelligence as one of our top qualities, he's definitiely a keeper. And this got me thinking: I'm 17 and I've already found that.

At 17 years old I've found something that makes me insanely happy, content, and a better person. I would not change our relationship for anything in the world. He's everything good that I'm not--plus some. We're not that mushy make-out-everywhere type of couple, even when we can be together. We have conflict, but we're only human.

Tonight at work, I was talking to Zach about our relationships. He is coming up on his 4 year anniversary with his girlfriend, and we were talking about what was going to happen with me and mine next year. "Insane," he called it, "but commendable." I get praised for it-from people like my good pals, Karan and Lindsey-but for what? For giving my heart to someone I love? For giving everything I have but feeling like I could never give enough? For letting everyone know how happy he makes me? I don't know, they say it is because I have made something work when their relationships haven't.

I have found the whole distance thing really isn't that hard. It's all in trust and willingness to give everything you have, and a whole lot of free night and weekend minutes. It's all in love: you get out what you put in. I love him for his intelligence. I love him for the look he gets in his eyes when he looks at me. I love him for the way he makes me feel. I love him for being himself. I love how we can compete about anything and everything. I love him for trying to impress me. I love to make/hear him laugh. I love him for his love of sports. I love him because he loves me. I love him for his aspirations to join the marines. I love him unconditionally.

And I hope he loves this.

First

2005-02-17T16:09:00.000-06:00

I, being a girl, am, of course, emotional, feminine, and loving. I decided to start one of these because it seems to make someone very dear to me able to get feelings out and feel better about himself, so maybe it will do the same for me. Usually I keep feelings inside to prevent controversy, confusion, etc., so maybe this will rid my conscience of pent up frustration. We shall see...
So I suppose I'll start talking about myself for this one...I'm 17, and I'm really involved in my high school with sports and clubs and that stuff--soon to finish up my senior year. I work all the time as a life guard and swim lesson instructor. I will be attending the University of Kansas in Lawrence, KS. next year and am looking forward to getting out of this town...Hooorah.

Best essay of all time